Yes, I do talk nonsense.

Neko is stuck in school, and because Websense blocked her blogspot page, she will have to use this site for now.

Stuff neko has to buy:
- Dress ($110~)
- Undergarments (unsure)
- Makeup + brushes ()
- Shoes
- Shawl? (iffy)

Damn. There’s more stuff, I’m sure of it. I just… don’t remember any of it right now. I wish I could leave the stupid library.

MMMPH.
I want to leave……………..

Okay, I’m pretty sure that no one will know the reference in my title unless they’ve watched Everything is Illuminated recently. Or read the book. Which is, by the way, pretty good. Whatever I’ve read, anyway. Which is about 3/4. But I don’t think I’m on topic anymore, so let’s get back on track. I’ve modified my other blog sufficiently for now, and I’m glad to say it’s now officially open. I’m definitely going to continue posting here as I see fit, but for most of the time, let me just say that I have announced my new blog. http://nekotalks.blogspot.com
Yayness, it took a while, but I realized that an old skin is as good as any. Plus the new ones on blogskins kinda suck, no offense. So I pulled one of my old ones out of archive and used it. Cool huh. Although about 1000 people have downloaded it off blogskins, so I’m supposing it’s not unique anymore. No matter! I made it, so it’s cool, regardless of how many people use it. Famous last words.
Anyway, I think I’ll go now because I’ve been on the computer way too long. Longer than is healthy for a normal functioning being, assuming that is what I am. So on that note, I think I’ll just go, and study or something. Today is a good day. Yesterday was a good day. It’s been a good week, the end. But I hope not the end of my happiness. If.. that made sense. NEVER MIND. Ima stop talking before I regret it, or before I start bleeding from the eyes. Which I would regret very much.

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Goddamn it, I’m too lazy, I’m just going to blogskins my new blog first.

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I wish I could force the inspiration out of me, but that’s pretty much an oxymoron, isn’t it? Forced inspiration. That’s where it gets tricky. I don’t know why, but what I can see in my mind’s eye cannot translate onto paper. Perhaps if I had some sort of sketchpad and decent pencils I could work things out. I don’t think I’m terrible, I just think I’m not good enough. And it’s embarrassing when you have friends like Jeni, Marta, KooK or Justin who can translate what they’re feeling almost effortlessly. And beautifully. I need to practice drawing, painting, singing, photographing. My heart soars but my body lags behind. I don’t know if I can pull myself out of these doldrums ever. I’m going to be stuck in the sands of time, waiting for my redemption. "You’re good at writing." If I’m so good, I would be able to write and pour out the emotions tapping lightly at my heart. You know it. There’re people who just have it, and people who don’t. People who can write books and books because they see something that other people can’t. Let’s face it - I’m mediocre and if I can’t fix that I should end it. If only I had just that little bit more courage, I would do it. You know I would. I think I need to find some way to be happy, and then release all my frustrations in that outlet. Because I’ve been so hopelessly untalented in other faculties, if I ever found something I was genuinely good at, I wouldn’t just remain good. I’d be fantastic. Amazing. Dedicated. Obsessed. Or perhaps I’m lying to myself. I’m not sure anymore. Every time I find something new, I just always screw myself over when I find that I’m just "okay" at it. I want to be proud of myself. I want to hear someone say to me, "You’ve got a lot of talent for a beginner. Keep trying." I’ve only heard that once, when I first started snowboarding. And it’s an expensive hobby that I don’t think I can keep up for a while. So that’s that. I’ll see what I can do about my uselessness, but don’t be too excited, I highly doubt anything’s going to change in the next 70 years while I’m still breathing. Get it? Hehe.

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Okay, now that I’ve figured this out, I guess it’s not quite goodbye for now. I’m still in the midst of setting up the other blog, and I know that I want it to be perfect before more traffic comes to stomp down the front gate. Regardless of the fact that several people already know about it, it helps to not formally announce it until you’re ready. Also, I had to give it a revamp because it wasn’t working out the way I had planned. The new blog was supposed to be for me to get a change of atmosphere and hopefully, a change of attitude. Instead I let it get bogged down by charged emotions and reckless writing. That’s going to change, with any luck.

Hmm. It seems I have big plans for this weekend. I’m going to catch Sweeney Todd with Mat and possibly Jeni and/or Marta. Sunday is the meeting in Berkeley, and I don’t know how we’ll get there but it’ll come through somehow. I just need to organize the situation appropriately and we’ll be all set. And Marta and I are photo-sizing with Shomik, I think. And keyboards. Go figure, but it’s supposed to be epic, so I’m just going to do my best and let the expert work it out. I’ll let you know how they turned out.

So I made a new friend this week. It’s Mathew Walsh. Well, I know him by association with Jeni but I didn’t know he was aware of my existence. So this week we were formally introduced and talked. It was pretty cool since we ended up playing CS and DotA tonight. Epic. Well, DotA was a flop because he couldn’t host but other than that we had a great time. And we had an intense long conversation, which was pretty cool for a new friend. And we’re going to catch Sweeney Todd tomorrow because our first choice, Saw 4, was already out of the cinemas. Lame, I know, but who can blame fate for letting us meet so late?

Midway through our DotA Victor came over, and he called from outside my house. I thought it only polite to go outside and chat, and we ended up talking for a good while. It was random stuff but we laughed a lot, and it almost felt like nothing had happened at all. I was surprised at his lack of fuss over what happened. I did call him a selfish bastard, after all. I must admit that while a lot of crazy stuff happened within and without our friendship, we still get along pretty good. I’m holding reservations on him, because I don’t know what he’s going to pull out of his hat next time, but he seems genuinely sorry for the mess he caused, and seems to want to make up for it. I can forgive and forget, at least.

This week has been pretty crazy in terms of emotions, but I’m excited to see what next week brings. The beginning of the week pretty much sucked ass,but it slowly got better and better. There could be so much more. I mean, this week could’ve been better so the probability next week will be better is raised noticeably, right? Right. We’ll wait and watch patiently, is all I can promise. Meanwhile, I can let loose a little, no? I have to (relatively) wake up early tomorrow so I can complete everything I need to, and then there are no worries about having to rush again next week. I am not built for stress, so whatever I can do to get the darkness to stop hovering over me, I’ll try to do.

The relationship between parent and myself is strained, to say the least. We’ve been curt but never beyond that, and to be honest, that’s working for me. I don’t feel the need to forge some kind of emotional attachment when there never really was one anyway. I’m sorry I had to say that, but I can’t help but wonder how many truisms I can utter before I am shot down.

And I sent my scholarship application to Ms. Mezzio, hopefully she replies favorably because it saves me time. Also, I really like Ms. Mezzio, and I think she likes me too. So maybe she’ll be a good choice. I really didn’t want to bug her, so late and all. But it never hurts to try, plus I might actually get hurt if I don’t do as the Mother says.

Wow. It’s 1:36 and I can’t believe I’m still up. I’m going to bed soon, because sleeping late is not conducive to spending daylight hours wisely. Especially when they last till about 5 pm before the sun dips below the horizon and we are once again engulfed in darkness. This is why I prefer summer, when everything can still be seen without lights at 8 pm. Saves a lot of trouble, and you don’t walk out of the door to start shivering visibly from the cold. Plus I can play tennis without the fear of getting asthma from the cold, dry air. It’s all a calculated science of chance and risk, my friends. But I think my chances are with the sun and sweat.

Well, another time check and it’s 2:04 AM. I didn’t take half an hour to write that last paragraph but I was caught up re-reading some of my old posts with Mat. It’s amazing how you can sort of hear your voice coming from someone else’s heart. Anyhow, it’s finally time to get to bed (all this time before was spent waiting for this moment - nah, I’m just kidding). I’m just finally tired, and I’m going to say goodnight here. It’s been a good few hours, and I’m hoping to make a few good more.

I love you all terribly, and if you’re not with me I miss you. My heart is with you always, and sometimes my eyes when you’re taking a shower (again another joke, albeit a very crude one). There is nothing I can do to change circumstances, but I’m always wishing all of you happiness from wherever I am. Good night, loves.

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I have made up my mind and my heart. My life is to have new direction. I will move my blog once again. It feels like I’m running away from myself, and from who I am again. But it’s for a variety of reasons. First, I have no clue how to edit this blog layout, so I’ve been stuck with the same scheme for about a year and a half. Secondly, I’m getting bogged down by all the past posts. Re-reading them means re-living all the pain and the heartache, and I don’t know if I can calmly reflect on my life thus far for the past few months. It’s been one hell of a ride, and if it means running away, even if just for a little while, then so be it. Another reason is that I feel it’s time for a change. There’s some aching need in me to change the pace, change the race. There’s so many things I want to do, I wish I had done with my life. Ballet was one of my early passions, but I was forgetful, and that was more it than any lack of enthusiasm. I lost my ballet costumes incessantly and it’s time to tell the truth: The reason I stopped attending was because I was afraid to admit that I’d lost part of my outfit once again. When I was 10 I finally decided that I would just lie instead of getting into trouble yet again. It seemed a better alternative because I was always afraid of getting into trouble. I lived my childhood full of fear and caution. This I remember. I always got into terrible trouble all the time, and I know I should have taken more care but I guess it was that time of my life where I was drifting. I was a lost child, always drifting between what was and what I dreamed could be. Even as a 10-year old I had regrets. I just have more now. I wish I’d done more with my music. I don’t know what it was exactly. I’d hate to get it wrong but I have a feeling that I was always afraid of music those first few years of instruction. The piano instructor never could motivate me, and I didn’t help him. It seemed like he was just biding time, and I lost all interest until a few years back. I know I was a terrible disappointment always in this area, but now that I’m pushing myself, it seems like an uphill battle but I’m willing to take a shot. So many wasted years before I finally found out that I had always had it inside of me, instead of looking outside for an inspiration or motivation. Photography - One of my many unexplored interests. This I can safely say that I have always wanted to do. Even now a part of me dreams of becoming a photographer somehow, but if I can be so honest in this perhaps last post on this blog of mine, I don’t want to do it for fear of trouble. Marta is a photographer, and a jolly good one. But I cannot stand to be compared to someone who has more background and experience than me such as her. It would break my fragile ego. And I’m glad I got that out. I have always hated to be compared with someone unfavorably. Even a favorable comparison often leaves me uncomfortable and uneasy because I don’t want to cause hurt or pain. But I am sensitive to these things nonetheless, and I know that if someone were to compare me to Marta I would die of embarassment. So I’ll keep this desire to myself. After all, I think I am a rotten photographer, and would very much like dearest KooK to show me the ropes. He seems very capable and has so much bursting talent I hope I might steal some too. KooK, if you’re reading this, I love you to bits. And I’m not ashamed to say it, because you are just so genius I love/hate you. It’s a complicated feeling to describe, I know, but I am just so envious of you. I hope to God we will always stay friends, because you are just the kind of person I want to model my life on. And you will be my steady rock when I am swaying from all this indecision. Thanks for being there. I really want you to come to California for my own selfish reasons. So I have a reason to be friends with you, and so you can keep me from going crazy. Please don’t change your plans or your mind for me, just letting you know that I would always appreciate having you around. Weird how that became a complete shoutout. Well, I don’t want to rant on about how my life is a waste of energy and oxygen, but you get the idea. Standing next to KooK I feel so vastly inferior, as I most definitely mentioned to him. He has such a sense of direction in life, and I envy him so for that. I would die for something to die for, if you know what I mean. I just wish there were something in my life that I could push all my energies into that I really wished I could do. My brain is made for math and science, I know. But my heart isn’t. It’s unsettled, and I’m starting to question my abilities. What can I do other than math, or science, or english? Those are the basics of human interaction and development, but can I go beyond that? Every few months I find myself coming to the same question, yet I never come away with a satisfying answer. I wish I had something more than an aching desire. I wish I had talent, untapped talent. But no one has ever said that of me, and no one will probably ever say that of me. I am sufficient in most things but a master at none. I am a complete jack-of-all-trades, and I hate it for what it’s worth. Every particle of my being cries out to be touched in some magnificent way, by some magnificent sign or vision from God that tells me what I can do. What can I do? Make people laugh, although mostly just a short hurried laugh because my jokes are neither hilarious nor appropriate. That’s Justin’s arena of expertise, and I’m not about to impinge on his territory. I can cry, I am terrific at that. The tears will stop for almost no one, when the timing is right. I can mope and groan about how specifically terrible my life is, but it will never end, which is the beauty of it all. I can never stop myself from being sorry for myself. So basically, I’m terribly, terribly useless. Please don’t mistake this for suicidal tendencies, I am just In A Rut. And I want out. I saw a short clip today, on a blog, on another note. It was from Love Actually. But for now, let me say, with no hope or agenda, just because it’s Christmas (and at Christmas you tell the truth): To me you are perfect and my wasted heart will love you until you look like this… [picture of a mummy here].

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